We all experience some insecurity from time to time and as a well-trained ego I can amuse myself with it for hours. Insecurity comes out of nowhere and once I feel it I start to walk in circles on my carpet in my charming room. I usually start thinking about my abilities or about a remark someone made about my abilities. I’m an expert on thinking about what o…ther people say, you know.
I’m not the best personal coach, I admit it… I don’t have comforting thoughts or positive quotes to ease my mind. I have Ernestine to do that. Me, I’d rather go to my archive and pull out all the paperwork and start rereading old diary pages to see where I failed in the past, to read where people didn’t appreciate us, where we made silly mistakes. After that I start thinking of new things that I’m NOT capable of. I’m really good at that too. (Come to think of it, I just named a few qualities of mine… hm… I seem to be good at some things, but that’s beside the point, I’m getting side tracked.)
Another thing I like to do when I’m feeling insecure, is think of worst-case-scenarios. I have a preference to do that at night, because during the day I have a full-time job looking out for my best interest. Who said life was easy for egos? At night I like to play scenes with very bad endings. Why did I never think of becoming a film director?
In these scenes there’s always ‘the enemy’. Well, someone needs to be the one to blame and that’s certainly not ME! It’s my scene so even if the story isn’t true, someone gets the part of the enemy. Me, I’m always playing the part of the victim. That’s my specialty.
It’s doesn’t matter if I get proof that there’s no need to be insecure. I keep acting. When changes occur I start walking in circles with my hands on my back. I can’t help it, it’s in my blood to see bears on the road and stare at them for days.
I’m allowed a certain amount of time at my carpet by Ernestine. I drive her bananas if I keep doing it all the time. She has forbidden me to make movies in her head at night. She puts on her sea-sound music and ignores me. How rude! It does work, she really really really doesn’t react to my urge to make a movie…
I have a course on my desk. She put it there. “How to believe in yourself in ten weeks!” I guess you can imagine I rolled my eyes at her. Well…I better start studying…
See you next week!